are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.