My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
That’s not how days work.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
#Caturday
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*