Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
LOL
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out