Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
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I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
constantly working on myself.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic