I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My what?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”