judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt