Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Got him!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.