Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’m not stressed
Buck naked
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.