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I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time