Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“What movie?” 🤔
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said