Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
shampoo implies shampee
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.