Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then