1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.