What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Cheers Twitter.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I’m tired tomorrow.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.