God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Planet of the Apps.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
brian had himself a morning…
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.