My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Blew my mind.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.