“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I support this random dude and all his protests
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.