You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Time for evil
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
my dog when i have a friend over