Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself