The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper