a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
You Might Also Like
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there