Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
what it’s like dating me:
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I feel it
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.