The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.