“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…