*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Weirdly Wednesday.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.