Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*pokes sex life with a stick
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe