Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.