Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
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Morning.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Does your wife know you’re single?