I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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The real reason evolution started..😂
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
You know…for fall…
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Swedish for common sense.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.