My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
no one ever comes back
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.