I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Just had my nails done!
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.