[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Who needs an Air Fryer?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty