ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Dune (2021)
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
🤣🤣🤣
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.