4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
🙀🙀🙀😹
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
what?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows