no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
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I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.