Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.