DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Merry Christmas
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.