Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house