I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score