Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.