If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
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What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Please do it!
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for