“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
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I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Erm…
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.