me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Lmbo
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[eats all your cotton candy]
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.