Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
You Might Also Like
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
buying dead houseplants to save time
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Lmfaoooooo
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.