Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect