*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
You Might Also Like
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Birds & Planes.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
*pokes sex life with a stick
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.