How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
my dad has had enough
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.