Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?