@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
No. He’s not coming out to play
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*