are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I have no passwords left in me
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
This probably isn’t good
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam